Thursday, January 29, 2009

Thirty and a Half is the new 40

This past August I passed gracefully into my 30s. It really wasn't a big deal--I was still hip, I was still cool (no I wasn't). I wore Converse sneakers and listened to the Top 20 on 20 (when I wasn't listening to 90s on 9). As it turns out, 30 may not have been the silver bullet to my youth, but 30 1/2 is. The true end of my 20s came crashing down on me with a simple step through the door of a cosmetic store.

"I'd like to try some mineral makeup but I don't know how to use it," I told the salesgirl I found on the floor of the beauty store mega mart. "Could you help me get started?" "Sure!" she replied, looking excited to play dress up on the frumpy looking makeup-less woman in front of her, and got to work matching my skin color. Several swipes of powder foundation, "natural glow," and blush later, she stepped back to admire her handiwork. "Well, you're definitely golden medium..." she said. I sensed a hesitation in her voice as she trailed off and I wondered what was wrong. Didn't I look fabulous? Of course I did, I assured myself during the pregnant pause. She was just wowed by my beauty. She'd never believe I was thirty! I should tell her, I thought. It'll blow her mind. "What do you usually put on under your makeup?" she asked before I could floor her with my true age. "Ummm, just moisturizer." The look on her face told me this was the wrong answer. I had a feeling this beauty train was headed south. "What you need is a primer," she declared. "Powder makeup sometimes emphasizes the wrinkles around your eyes. A primer will help fill in those lines so the powder can't cake in them." What????? When the hell did I get lines around my eyes, let alone ones that were deep enough for powder to pool in? "Let me get a primer so I can show you," I heard her say as she dashed off, leaving me alone in front of the mirror. I leaned in to examine the situation a little closer. Holy crow's feet, she was right! I did have lines in need of filling! Before I could begin to fully process this development, she was back with a bottle in hand. "Here," she said, handing it to me. "This one has retinol in it, so that will help with make the lines around your eyes less noticeable." I thanked her and numbly headed toward the back for my hair appointment.

"The woman back there in cosmetics just gave me some cream with retinal in it! Can you believe it?" I asked the stylist, hoping he would take the bait and tell me the girl had no idea what she was talking about and that I looked twenty-two at the oldest. But instead of telling me the woman in cosmetics was absurd, he said "Yeah, she's really good with that kind of thing." Was I on candid camera here? "So, what do you want to do to my hair today?" I asked, looking to change the subject, "It's completely up to you." "Well," he said, "The first thing I thought when I saw you was that girl has too much hair. It looks like she got that haircut when she was seventeen and it doesn't work for her anymore. And your highlights are too bright." Ouch. He ended up taking six inches and what I now hoped to be six years off. When I asked my husband how I looked when I got home, he said "Like a 30 year old." After all these years, the jackass still hasn't figured out when it would be in his best interest to lie.

So this is what it's come to. Retinol and short hair. And here I was thinking I was ten years off from having to succumb to either of those things. There is a bright side to prematurely turning 40, though--I'm only ten years away from being able to get the senior citizen coffee at McDonald's.

7 comments:

  1. Those people are crazy!! You don't look a day over 23!! The wrinkles you saw were just a funny reflection from their crazy mirror ;-) I promise...

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  2. OK--one word--COMMISSION. It behooves (??) the makeup lady to make you feel old and so you buy mucho products. The other issues is if you go to a salon INSIDE a makeup boutique they ain't going to take sales away from themselves....! Anyway, I went to the same place, told them I was feeling old and they raved about getting "hip" cosmetics. I now am the proud owner of much Urban Decay makeup made for 14 year olds. Dammit, I look good in my "perversion" eye shadow. I think they must be good at their job there....

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  3. No woman (especially someone as smart and funny as you) needs makeup to be beautiful! Believe than and use the money you save on "Product" to expand your kitchen for your growing yeast population.

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  4. "I am told that Amish Friendship Bread Dough applied lightly to the face eliminates wrinkles and helps stop the aging process. Can you find any?"

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  5. I find that moment at the check-out when they look to see if they should card me to be excruciating, and when they don't? Devastating.

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  6. 1. I'm a friend of Abby's and met you last summer. You look younger than 90% of the 24 year-olds I work with.

    2. Sarah P. is right; I'm 27, take pretty decent care of my skin, and was told last year I needed the same "primer" for my makeup. Of note, not a single line on my face (except when I furrow my brow at these harpies as they suggest I try that same "Urban Decay glimmer shadow" WHILE suggesting I get the retinol primer). Crack addicts...

    3. Great writing :)

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  7. Your experience made me think of the scene in The Truth About Cats and Dogs (a movie I will defend if need be) when Janeane Garofalo is at the make up counter talking about her free radicals and putting loose change in her pores. Screw the make up counter!

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